This week and next, I'll be wrapping up the December issue of Masigasig, Globe's business magazine published by Summit. After that, it's full time wifey/mommyhood for me. And I'm scared.
Some women are born domestic goddesses; others like me have to try very hard. This doesn't mean that I don't know how to run a household or do the chores. It just means that--let me put it this way: I can write a 5,000 word essay on the wonders of all-natural household cleaners in less time than it will take me to apply said cleaners to the appropriate areas of the household.
It's not that I don't enjoy domesticity. I am rediscovering my love for cooking and baking. I used to find it therapeutic, cleaning the bathroom. And nothing can give me satisfaction the way a shiny, eat-off-it-clean expanse of floor can.
I guess what I'm scared of is whether I will enjoy the SAHM (stay at home mom) role for a long period of time, when it just isn't a break from the work that I do. When it will be, in fact, my work. The sheer repetitiveness of it all overwhelms me. Like I will have to bathe the baby everyday for the next five years at least. And I will have to plan menus and cook and all that till death do us part.
I know it sounds selfish. But I know myself. I have a very short attention span. I like trying out new things, and when I've satisfied my fix, I like moving on to the next. Then again, there's some hope. I've been together with The Hubby seven years, after all. So not everything is short term with me. I guess it's a matter of attitude and God's grace.
I guess I'm also scared that I will disappear; that I will just be The Hubby's wife, Rainey's mom. I've worked hard to see my name in print; people are beginning to know my work, my byline. But there are hundreds of new writers out there, lots of them good, some of them not, but all of them available. I'd be so easy to replace. Maybe in a year, no one will remember me. And if I don't use it, I might lose it--this skill for writing. Even the drive to publish. I might turn into the wifey with nothing to talk about other than Junior's scores and how I manage to haggle down the price of fish at the market.
The other week, I turned down what could've been a lucrative gig copy editing for a Hong Kong-based magazine. I'd work from my home, and they pay in dollars! My friend from the company said that they were impressed with my resume, and that it was regrettable that I declined. It was both hard and easy to do, turning down that gig. Easy, because based on the priorities--God, The Hubby, Rainey, work--it was way down the list. And besides, The Hubby and I have already discussed that I will take the supporting role at this point in our lives, because his career is really taking off, and one of us needs to be in charge of Raine and the home.
Yet it was hard to do, because it could've been a good gig, another impressive entry in my resume, an international client. It could have been a step to other international projects. The experience (not to mention the pay) would have been great, to say the least. And it was hard to turn down because my work has defined who I am for the longest time.
But things change. Priorities change. And I'm ready to make that change. So help me God.