Grace and Favor (And Why You Should Listen to Your Mom)

Even before Raine was born, we were told that she would be a child of grace. And like most things of grace, Raine was definitely undeserved. I mean, how could two such grumpy people like The Hubby and myself produce such a happy, sunny child (though there are times when Raine is acting up that I scream inside my head--what did I do to deserve this? I'd scream it out loud but the neighbors might think I'm weird--and this is an entirely different topic, the stresses of motherhood)?

Aside from the grace, we've also experienced God's favor. The Hubby got a new, well-paying job that gives me the option not to work so I can focus on Raine. I also got several opportunities for my writing that still allowed me to work from home. Sort of. We discovered that The Great Aling Lourdes also makes a fantastic babysitter for Raine, so I can leave them together without worry. My mom visits us regularly, and so I get additional motherhood coaching, someone to have decent adult conversation with while The Hubby us at work, and another babysitter! The blessings go on and on.

So it's little wonder that when we celebrated Raine's first birthday and her dedication, it was filled with grace and favor. Take the venue and the food. When we started planning, my mom said in that cheerful, optimistic voice of hers, "Let's have it catered by Mario's!" And I just rolled my eyes and gave a snort. Like, hello,mom. Mario's is fine dining and expensive and we're working with a small budget...

I mean I love Mario's. Growing up in Baguio (where the original Mario's is), going to Mario's was such a treat. I remember my mom would save up so we could eat there on special occasions. And then she'd give us lessons on fine dining, like which fork to use, and how to tip the waiter (short side story: when I was about 10 years old, I got a summer job peeling potatoes at a french fry factory. With my pay, I treated my mom to lunch at Mario's. When I got the bill, my mom stopped me from counting out the exact amount and told me to give a larger bill so I had change to leave as tip). So I know the food is good. And I know that they're pricey. So I didn't even put Mario's on my list.

I started making the calls of different restaurants and caterers. It was frustrating. My main problem was I had grand visions and a small budget. And since it was March and I started party preparations late, the places with the reasonable prices were already booked (grad season!). Two and a half weeks before the party date, I finally asked my mom if we could try Mario's. "Ok," she said, "I'll call the owner." And she did. And we ended up in Mario's Kitchen, Tiendesitas. We had a fantastic brunch (they were fully booked in the afternoon), the food was great, the place looked classy, the service was good, and they worked with our budget. The churros were a hit. Lesson learned? Even when you're older and you have a kid of your own, mother knows best, oh me of little faith.

Then there's the cake. I've always loved Claycakes. Even way back when I was planning my wedding, I had my eye on Claycakes, but I never asked because they looked too expensive. Then during my Masigasig stint last year, I sort of met Karla Magbanua, the 'sugar artist' behind Claycakes. She was so nice and really down to earth. I really wanted a Claycake for Raine, because I wanted something unique (all Karla's cakes are unique--she interviews her clients so she can come up with a design that really reflects them!) and because I knew only Karla could make a Rainey cake topper the way I imagined it. But the budget held me back. Finally, my mom stepped in again. She told me that it can't hurt to ask. And so cringing with embarrassment, and prepared to be shot down, I called Karla. And God's favor was upon us again.

Karla was beyond accommodating. She was even enthusiastic! The design of the cake she created was based on Raine's giveaway book (a story I wrote--more on that later). It was perfect. The Rainey cake topper was really like Raine in her classic sitting-down-and-beaming pose. And it was scrumptious. I mean days after the party, it was still good! And the yummy, chewy icing was so mindblowing. But beyond the cake, I was really touched by her effort. She even went to Mario's to do an ocular, and explained to the staff how to serve the cake. So lesson learned? Again, listen to your mom. It doesn't hurt to ask.

Secret Passions

I can't help it. Whenever I see perforated paper, I simply have to tear it. I do it slowly, making sure that it tears only along the dotted lines, savoring each little millimeter that daintily gives way, until I have two separate pieces with slightly ragged edges that match. I hate it when--due to faulty perforation or some wrong move of mine--I don't have perfectly ripped paper, when tiny chunks of paper mar the perforated edges. And folding over multiple pieces of paper so you can tear it in one go--sacrilege!

In public, I surreptitiously tear tickets. You're supposed to give in the entire piece, so I gently work the middle part, leaving the pieces of the ticket connected only by the last two perforated dot things at each side. I love those receipts generated by dot matrix printers--continuous forms are pure delight. And after I tear off the hole-y edges, I fold them into an origami chain. Each and every time. No matter where I am. Or whether I'm running late. I have to, otherwise some cosmic balance will be disturbed.

At home, I eagerly wait for my Readers Digest subscription. Not only because I read the magazine from cover to cover, but also because they are masters of perforated things and beyond.

If any of you subscribe to RD, then you'd know that they have this yearly raffle, and you have to send in some form that you tear off from their letter. Oh joy. More than that, you have to put stickers on the appropriate box to guarantee your raffle entry. Even better are the stickers that indicate your choice of BMW color, or whether you'd like to take your 15M in one go or over 5 years. Sometimes they have this rub-off portion, which reveals the secret number that will let you win an additional P250,000. Of course, most of the time they're also peddling something, like vegetable cookbooks and trivia books and the best romantic songs of the century all on one CD! And since I love reading brochures (and RD brochures are always well made), I enjoy that as well. It's nearly orgasmic.

The peddling I love best is when they send a whole catalogue, which comes with a sheet of product stickers and you have to tear off the product you choose and stick it on the order form. I tear the entire sheet and neatly lay out the stickers on the table as I contemplate which ones I'd like to order. Sometimes The Hubby helps me. If I'm feeling generous, I let him choose his own product (the order form is limited to maybe four items). Then we discuss our winning options, whether we'd like to receive the check privately or at a big party in a posh hotel (my choice--might as well get a free dinner out of it as well). Then I tear, sticker and scratch away. I put everything in the "Say Yes!" envelope, making sure all my documents are complete and I seal the envelope. Then I put it in my recycling bin.

I wonder why I never win in that RD raffle.

Snapshots of Raine

While I fix up in the living room, Raine signs 'milk'. I tell her to wait, since Mommy is still cleaning. She crawls up the two steps into the bedroom, and as I follow her, attempts to climb up the bed. She looks back at me and signs milk again. I oblige. Some things are more important than chores.

***

We're in the guestroom. I put her down on the floor and hand her a book. I search through the shelves. When I turn back to her, she's sitting comfortably on the sofa bed, reading. As I look at her, amazed, she looks up at me, as if to say, "What, you never seen a kid reading before?"

***

Raine and The Hubby are lolling around in bed, on opposite sides. The Hubby reaches out with his hand. "Raine, come kiss Daddy," he says. She looks at him. "Come on, Raine. Please come kiss Daddy." With as little effort as possible, she rolls over a bit and kisses his hand. Who da bum now?

***

Raine loves going through my underwear drawer, ostensibly weeding out my ratty undies. One day, I find the drawer open and not much mess. Raine is playing nearby. "I see you threw out only one panty today," I tell her as I fold and put my poor does-not-meet-Raine's-standards underwear away. She looks at me, crawls back to the drawer, flings out the panty I just put back in plus one more. Then she crawls back to what she was doing.

***

It's getting hard to feed Raine in public, as loves acrobatic feeding. She's very good at it too. She can feed upside down; sitting and bent over double; on her tummy, coming up periodically to gasp for air; on her side, with legs and arms waving in the air. But the most adventurous so far are her yoga feeding poses--she can do the downward dog and feed with ease. I think she was a future in yoga.

***

Someone gave Raine a driving toy, which looks like an abbreviated van dashboard. I find her gleefully driving: turning the steering wheel like some maniac driver dead set on mowing down pedestrians, working the stick shift with her foot. I do not look forward to the day she offers to drive me around.

The Official Press Release

The other day, 19 February, The Hubby and I have celebrated three years of being married. By November this year, we'd have been officially together eight years; by June, we'd have known each other 20 years. This is the story that I will tell Rainey.

We were batchmates in high school. The Hubby doesn't remember our first 'date'. But I do--it was traumatic. We both lived in the dorm. His good friend Al and my good friend Deanne, The Hubby and I had managed to score gate passes to SM City on a school day. This was in the first few weeks of our freshman year--we were all promdis excited to go malling. So as we were wandering around the hallowed halls of SM, our second home back in high school, in our tablecloth school uniform, we run into my dad. Busted on my first try at playing hooky.

We never really hung out in the same crowd. The Hubby was one of those limelight kids, always in the center of everything, in a huge barkada of the popular people. I, on the other hand, liked to stay in the background with my tight, small group of friends. Our last high school encounter--he was the date of one my two high school best friends, and we sat at the same table at the Grad Ball. Must dig up the picture of that.

College, we'd run into each other at the CASAA and he'd regale me with tales of his numerous panganays. Fast forward eight years post high school graduation. The Hubby organized a batch gimmick, which my mom forced me to attend (so we owe my mom big time). I walked into the now defunct Gensan on Jupiter, and the rest, as the cliche goes, is history.

The Hubby took one look at me and decided never to let me go (hey, this is MY version). He rigged the seating arrangement so that we'd sit next to each other. I didn't notice him or his machinations at first. I was telling an old friend that I had just quit my ad agency job and was now a freelance writer. Said friend advised me to get a rich boyfriend to drive me around on my assignments, and I said I needed a car more. Suddenly The Hubby piped in, "I have a car!" And I retorted, "But are you rich?" And he said, "I will be in five years." Talk about pick up lines that work!

At the start, we weren't really dating. We were ostensibly just keeping each other company till I found my rich boyfriend with a car, and he found his playthings (he had just decided to shed his choir boy image and be a playah). Yeah, right. About five weeks later, we were officially a couple. And thus began a tempestuous relationship, full of high drama, two major breakups, a lot of heartache but a lot of happiness as well. We were both ultra sensitive people who held grudges so our relationship was never easy.

What I've noticed among people we know--when you have a major breakup, you either stay apart and count your blessings, or you realize that you can't live without each other and you get married...

We chose the latter, obviously, and two years later we were blessed with our beautiful Erynne Isobel.

And three years later, we have less of the tempestuousness, more of the laughter. I guess after 20 years, we're finally growing up.

Acushla, here's to eight years and counting...

It's My Party

I'll whine if I want to.

My head feels like it's in a vise grip. My nose is drippy (and the mucous is yellow so it's a real cold) but when I try to blow almost nothing comes out. All my teeth hurt. Yes, each and every one of them. My gums are tender. That thing at the roof of your mouth, by the back, is sore. My scalp is hyper sensitive; touching it makes my head hurt more. My eyes are dry and hot. I'm alternately hot and cold. My ears are blocked. My back is crampy. And I need a pedicure.

I have an article due. Two interviews. More research. An elaborate valentine dinner to prepare. A baby to take care of. Dishes to wash. A house to clean. Toys to put away.

I want my Mommy.

Urgent on the To-Do List

This morning, as I was washing the dishes, I suddenly found myself belting out the chorus of Just Another Woman in Love, together with the neighbor and her YesFM. I can't believe I know the lyrics to that! I constantly amaze myself with the things I didn't know I know.

Man. Must get our sound system fixed.

Something New for Valentine

Thinking of something new to do this season of luuuuuv? Why not spread the love? Adopt a pet!

Lots of cats and dogs are waiting for people to love them and take them home. This is much cheaper than buying a pet from the petshop, and the dogs and cats you adopt will love you undyingly for it.

I'm reposting the adoption guidelines:

"The steps in adopting from PAWS are generally as follows:

1. Print out and fill up the adoption application form found in this:

http://www.pitstopit.com/paws3/adoptionapplication.htm

2. Schedule an adoption consultation (to coincide with your visit to the shelter to meet the dogs / puppies / cats / kittens available for adoption) by calling 475-1688, open from Mondays through Saturdays from 10am to 5pm. Closed on holidays.The PAWS shelter is located at Aurora Blvd, Katipunan Valley, Loyola Heights, Quezon City (at the back of the Ateneo de Manila University). Detailed directions can be found here: http://parc.mefindhome.org/If the results of your adoption consultation indicate that adopting from the shelter is a good fit for you, we move on to steps 3 to 6 below:

3. "Meet-the-dog / cat" session ( we allow a few minutes for prospective adoptive parent and animal to check each other out & see if they are compatible). Our adoption counselors will help you find a dog / cat that best fits your personality, lifestyle, and level of pet ownership experience.

4. Payment of adoption fee. Depending on the choice of animal (some dogs or cats may still be undergoing treatment or are scheduled for shots, spay/neuter surgery, etc.), you can take home your new companion on your first, second, or third visit. Note: Adoption fee of P1000 per dog and P300 per cat is not really an "adoption fee" per se but to help us keep the rehabilitation and adoption program going. =)Please note that all animals adopted from PAWS are:1. spayed / neutered2. have rabies shots, and 5-in-1 shots (for dogs) or 3-in-1 shots (for cats)3. have been dewormed & groomed4. dogs have received monthly heartworm preventives and flea & tick preventives

5. come with a free adoption kit (free sample pet food)

6. may avail of free basic obedience training from our shelter manager (by appointment)7. may avail of free consultation and discounts on services from PAWS clinic (note: by appointment).8. excited to go to new homes and begin their second chance at a good life!"

Ode to a Faucet

Raine's second absolute favorite thing in the world are faucets. Yup. Faucets. Source of her absolute favorite thing in the world: running water.

When she takes a bath in her tub, she reaches up to the faucet reverently. "Rrrrrrawwwwr," she says softly. "Babababababa mmmmmmaaa. Wwwwrooak." Then as her passion grows, she gets more effusive with her praise. "Yaaaaaaaa! Hakhrrrrkrrrrk! Eeeeeeeyaaaaahaaahaah!"

Finally, she gives the faucet a loving pat and pays it the ultimate compliment. "Tttthhhh," she says. "Thhhhh."

Faith and Fortune(r)

Got a new car last Saturday; a Toyota Fortuner. The Hubby and I still can't believe that we have it; can't believe that we could afford it. But with God's abundant provisions, we have a huge SUV looming in our now-tight garage.

I didn't really think we needed a new car. The Altis was serving us perfectly well, though it was a tad beat up. But Rose, The Hubby's sister, wanted to buy it. But I was still resistant. I ran through our budget several times, coming up with scenarios from living it large to super tipid. I didn't agree that we could afford the monthly payments. I kept telling The Hubby that we would be living beyond our means; that the cash flow glitches would have us both stressed out; what would happen if something happened in the next six years; and so on. Finally, in exasperation, The Hubby told me, "You're thinking like you aren't a child of God!"

And that shut me up and got me thinking. I mean I have faith in God, that he will provide our daily needs. But what I need to work on is my faith that God also provides our wants (not to mean that we get everything we want). Like an indulgent father, he takes joy in giving us the unexpected, the non-essential, pleasurable things. Now that I have Raine, I am beginning to get an inkling of this, but still, I struggled with thoughts on whether or not The Hubby had great faith or suicidal faith.

But God's favor was on us. We were given a great financing deal; even the Toyota agent was amazed by the near-ridiculous payment scheme approved for us. Processing of the papers went smoothly. In less than a week since we decided to make the purchase, we got the Fortuner. And we realized that The Hubby's nightmares--jumping up and down to close the back door; not being able to reach the gas pedals; not being able to see out of the windshield--were unfounded.

The Fortuner drives like a dream, according to The Hubby (he won't even let me attempt to drive it!). And Raine gets her own window! More space for more people! Road trips! We actually went to Tagaytay to attend a friend's wedding (and we missed half the ceremony :() right after we picked up the car. When we arrived home near midnight, The Hubby still found the energy to vacuum and house down the car. Hope the enthusiasm lasts!

But back to faith. I'm glad that The Hubby has faith enough for both of us. I need to work on mine. As that father in Mark 9 said, I believe. Lord, help me overcome my disbelief.

All I Want for Christmas

The Hubby and I have extremely low EQs. Over the past two weeks, we've been giving each other our unwrapped Christmas presents. Mainly because we can't wait to see the other's reaction to the gift. Now we have nothing left to open on Christmas day. Oh dear. I hope Raine's EQ soars way above ours.

So far, The Hubby's given me one of those memory foam pillows (because I always complain about neck pain when I wake up); an oven thermometer (because I always harp on about how am I supposed to know when the oven has reached its required temperature); a meat thermometer (because I once overcooked pot roast, and the other time I undercooked it); The Best Philippine Short Stories of the Twentieth Century (because I kept getting it and putting it back on the shelf at the bookstore); and The Poetry of Pablo Neruda (because The Hubby is a romantic, I've always wanted to try reading more poetry, and we both loved the poetry reading off Il Postino).

Me, I've given The Hubby Exceptional Breads (because he wants to move beyond bread machine bread), underwear, shirts and a dressier office jacket. These aren't my real gifts though, since they're stuff he really needs. I'm still waiting for something before I can get him the gift I've been planning to give. In case that doesn't push through, I still have Plan B. Now if only I can find it...

The Hubby has also been reminding me to list down all the stuff that we sort of need or want to get. So here's my list:

1. Vacuum cleaner - a wet & dry one, with the reversible blowing/sucking function. The heavy duty one, since we need to vacuum often (our bedroom is carpeted).
2. Mattress - we inherited a lovely antique narra bed, which came with a sort of antique mattress. The Hubby is attached to the mattress though; I think he grew up on it.
3. New sound system - I'd be very happy just to get our current one's CD player fixed. Then I can play all the CDs of Raine. And I can teach her about the classics. Like U2 and EBTG and Sting and Tchaikovsky.
4. DVD player - ours has been around even before we got married. It has gotten very picky in its old age, and we sometimes have to settle for watching movies on the laptop because the ornery old DVD player won't play.

Hmm. Wow. That's all I can think of at the moment. Isn't wonderful? We have everything we need! We really have to thank God for that. He's been such a faithful (and generous!) provider. And as we celebrate Rainey's first Christmas, I pray that we get the message across to her. That it isn't about the giving of gifts, but about the God who loved us so much that he gave us the greatest gift ever--the life of his son for ours.

Out the Window

I recently asked my mom--who is one of the most patient, laid-back, slow-to-get-riled people I know--if she ever, ever felt like tossing me out the window when I was a kid. "Oh, many times," she cheerfully replied. It made me feel so much better.

For all her precociousness and cuteness, Raine can sure be one annoying baby. And if my near-saintly mom felt like tossing me--and according to my mom, I was "such a good kid" (I didn't say that!)--then I guess it's normal for me to feel that too. Well, given my impatience and low threshold for irritants, I may indulge in window throwing fantasies more often.

My fear is that I am raising exactly the kind of kid that I don't like: the whiny brat. Raine isn't a high-maintenance baby; she's very sweet and happy--if she gets her way. She wants to be carried when I'm cooking or washing the dishes. She likes to poke and touch and hold and fling and eat whatever I'm holding. And when she doesn't get to, she whines and whines and whines. Of course saying "no" to her elicits that trembling-lower-lip face, and sometimes wails worthy of Bantay Bata.

People tell me that this is normal, since babies can't quite communicate what they want, need or feel yet. But as her mom who is with her 24/7, I feel that I should be able to decipher her baby ramblings by now. I suppose I can tell what she's trying to say, it's just that sometimes I'm busy or too exhausted to really act on it. Most of the time her whining means, "Play with me, Mommy. Play with me now." Or she wants to go out and see Chloe, the grumpy old dog, or the birds, or the fish or her favorite bamboo chimes hanging out in the back. And me, I just want to stay in the room and read with my feet up. How do you balance being Mommy, the all-around entertainment center, the housekeeper, the chef (I am elevating myself from cook) and being just plain Ree?

I love my daughter. Every day I look at her, I am amazed by the perfection of her toes and fingers, by the joy in her smile, by her happy disposition (I am even more amazed how two such grumpy people like The Hubby and me produced such a cheerful baby!). I watch her roll up to sitting position, I watch her zip and zoom around the living area in her walker (taking great care that she doesn't run over my toes), I watch her as she sleeps. I savor her warmth when she feeds, and when she snuggles up to me. My heart still melts every time she lays her head on my shoulder, or when her eyes light up when I walk into the room.

I love being Raine's Mommy. But sometimes frustration and annoyance, even anger, is normal. I guess what I should chuck out the window is my preconceived notions of motherhood (it's an everyday process). I am Raine's mom, not the Perfect Mom. And with God's grace, I can try to be the best mom for Raine. And I think that's the best thing we can do for our kids.

Best Baby Things

Gail tagged me ages and ages ago, but I really sat down to think what ten things have significantly helped Rainey and me. Now that Raine's napping and I'm waiting for The Hubby to get home so we can eat a sinful sisig dinner (with fresh salad greens to nullify the cholesterol), I'll make that list. In no particular order (and not exactly 10 items):

1. Avent Uno IQ Breastpump & Playtex Storage Bags - don't know how I would have survived without these. Raine is still completely breastfed, so when I leave the house, or leave her with someone else, she has to have an ample supply of milk. I also have enough milk to donate to others. I love the Avent pump since it's relatively painless, quick and very efficient, compared to the Amazing Chu-Chu pump I first used.


2. Juniors Sitter/Rocker - great place to put the baby! Raine got the hang of rocking herself right away. She's had her rocker since she was about two months old. She'd fall asleep in it, chew on it, scratch it (she loves the feel of the seat), and now uses it as a sort of walker and pushes it around. While we haven't gotten round to buying her a high chair yet, I also feed her in it.


3. RJellybean Sling - in the early days, this didn't work for us, because it was at the peak of summer heat. But when the weather got cooler, and Raine got used to being in the sling, this became very handy. I love how I can do things with two hands while still 'carrying' Raine, and my arms and back don't get too tired! It's also a great conversation starter. These days, though, Raine is getting too restless in the sling, because she loves twisting and turning and looking all around. Still have to figure out how to sling her in the back. Jen CC Tan, one of the owners of the brand, is also so nice. She let me drop by her house so she could personally show me how to use the sling.


4. ProKids Diapers & ProKids Wipes - this is the brand that works best for Raine. I love the velcro tabs on the diapers, and the wetness indicator. The wipes smells fantastic too (lavender).


5. Baby Milk Bath, Cliven Diaper Rash Cream, Cliven Baby Shampoo, J&J Top to Toe Wash & Petroleum Jelly - Raine's kikay kit is comprised of these. The Baby Milk Bath comes from our pedia. It's very mild, and keeps Raine's skin soft and smooth. You apply it while she's dry, then rinse off. When I'm in a rush though, I prefer the J&J. The Cliven stuff were a gift from Tishpy and we love, love, love the scent. The Diaper cream is so effective; I even use it for Raine's occasional neck rash. Petroleum jelly, of course, has a million and one uses (this deserves a separate post!) but we use it to help prevent rashes by the mouth due to Raine's non-stop drooling.


6. Sandra Boynton Board Books, Dr. Seuss, Guess How Much I Love You, I love You Forever and other books - Raine loves being read to; Sandra Boynton's Bellybutton Book and Dinosaur's Binkit are favorites. Raine will usually stop fussing when you start reading to her. Before she could reach out and eat her books, I also read Dr. Suess' Hop on Pop and The Foot Book to her. I Love You Forever always makes me cry when I read it aloud, so I've stopped for now. Guess How Much I Love You is my all-time favorite, but it's a bit too long to read aloud for now. I'm trying to build Raine her own library. I hope she'll love reading and books as much as I do.
7. Cedric, Sofia, Benny, Betty and her other chewable toys - these 'friends' of Raine can sure keep her busy. She loves chewing and sucking on them, even if she isn't teething yet. One thing we discovered about toys though. She can have really cute, expensive ones but she prefers playing with stuff like a plastic rice serving spoon, an empty ice cream can, the straps on her rocker or stroller, even her burp cloth! So we try to control ourselves and not buy toys. I'll buy books instead!
8. Car seat and stroller - we have a Graco system that The Hubby's cousin loaned us, and it's so beat up I'm ashamed to give it back. Been telling The Hubby to offer to buy it off them instead. I can't imagine carrying Raine the entire trip to Baguio or Laguna, so I'm glad for the car seat. We need to get a bigger one though--she's outgrowing this one! I find the stroller too bulky for commuting, especially when it's just Raine and I, but beggars can't be choosers. It's still helpful. Imagine carrying all 20lbs of Raine all the time!
9. What to Expect in the First Year - one of the most helpful and informative books I've read. It keeps me in check--I don't get overly paranoid or too ecstatic about things Raine-related.
10. Canon Powershot G3 Digital Camera - it's an old model, but still works fine for documenting Raine's amazing life :)

To all you moms out there--what are your favorite baby things?

Rainey Days and MomDays

I wasn't built for rain. It stresses me out. I get obsessed looking for leaks (our house has several). When The Boo was still here, my stress levels were right through the roof, since rain, thunder and lightning terrified the poor guy. In fact, I lost The Boo during one such thunderstorm last August. (side story: last Saturday, we went to Tiendesitas, and I saw several Shih Tzus, I missed The Boo so much I got teary eyed). I also abhore getting my feet wet, so I avoid going out. Rainy days on end drive me crazy, sometimes even inspire me to write sort of morbid short stories. Too much rain gets me low.

This is also my first week of official SAHM-hood (Stay-At-Home-Mom). Though I still get a few calls on magazine-related stuff, I can see that tapering off by next week. It makes a real difference, not having deadlines hanging over my head. I don't get as stressed when Raine doesn't follow her nap schedule; we just play until she gets sleepy. Hmm. I don't know if that's good though, not having a firm schedule. I would like to train her to be more disciplined and consistent, to be much, much better than her Mommy.

I'm wondering what other SAHMs do, and how do they do it. Last Monday, Aling Lourdes was here, so I didn't have to do any chores, including breakfast and dinner. I just prepared The Hubby's packed lunch, told Aling Lourdes what to cook, and Raine and I kept each other company. Tuesday was just me and Raine. She was in a clingy mood in the evening, so I overcooked the dinner veggies, but I got the rest of the meals out fine, washed up, fixed up and cleaned a bit. Wednesday, Aling Lourdes was here again and she kicked us out so she could clean properly, so Raine and I went to visit my brother and sister in law. Then I prepared dinner in the evening. Today, I prepared breakfast, The Hubby's lunch, played with Raine, now that she's napping I'm blogging and thinking about what to cook for dinner. Is there something missing here? I feel that I should be doing so much more. Like baking cookies or making soap or writing a novel. Or organizing the finances. Hmm. Well. I could be doing those things if I weren't blogging...But let's say I didn't have Aling Lourdes, how do other SAHMs manage the entire household and a demanding baby? Makes me appreciate my mom even more.

I'm also wondering if I'm stimulating Raine enough. Isn't she getting bored with my company? We either play in bed, where she can stand holding onto her crib (and fall without really getting hurt); hang out in the living/dining room, where she commando crawls all over, or zips around in her psychedelic pink walker (she inherited it from her aunt!); or we go for a walk around the village (which we can't do when it rains). I would've wanted to make swimming a regular thing, but The Hubby is adamant that we don't go just the two of us. I read to her (Sandra Boynton's Bellybutton Book is her favorite), but mostly I just rough-stuff and harass her. Ehehe.

Raine's also in that phase that she wants me around all the time. And the later in the day it is, the nearer I have to be. In the morning I can leave her to play in the room while I do chores or take a quick shower. In the afternoons, I can be preparing dinner and she'll be hovering around, either crawling or in her walker. By early evening, she wants to be carried, or I have to be right beside her as she plays. So I'm learning that I have to prepare dinner early in the afternoon. And I guess that's the best time to do other things as well. Like my imaginary cookies, and the phantom gourmet spreads.

But back to SAHM-hood. I feel that I should be more productive somehow. The Hubby is out all day working so I can have this option to stay home. So I feel that he should be getting value for his money. Hmm. That doesn't sound quite right.

I remember what Louise, a SAHM with no nanny and no maid, said. She told me early on that at this point, I should focus on the baby. Anything else I get done beyond baby things is a bonus. Belle, another SAHM says that just because I don't go to an office, doesn't mean I'm not working. In fact, the home is my office, and I'm on call 24/7. She and her husband have agreed that she gets "off" times, when he takes charge of their two daughters while Belle reads or does whatever she wants for herself. I guess it's a balance that I still have to work out: Rainey, The Hubby and me. Right now, Raine takes most of my time and energy. Essentials like food and making sure that there's clean underwear in The Hubby's drawer come second. Me-and-Hubby time and me time--well, whatever we can sneak in.

I suppose I'll get better at this SAHM-hood. I'm sure that among the three of us, we can work out something that will make everyone happy and loved. Rainey Days and MomDays will not get me down.

Swimming on a High

Exhilarated.

That's how I felt after Raine's first swim last Thursday. My first, too, after eight months or so of being landlocked (I swam till I was about 8.5 months pregnant). As soon as I stepped into the pool, holding Raine, I felt at home.

Swimming has always been something I could do well. Oh sure, not well enough to compete, but well enough to feel confident in the water; well enough for me to enjoy it. In fact, I'd even dare say that though I may not be the better swimmer compared to my excel-at-any-sport sister Rix, I am the stronger one. And that's saying a lot, given my total klutziness and lack of coordination on land.

In the water, while doing my laps, the world is reduced to a blurry hum. There's nothing else but me, my body, my rhythm, my heartbeat, my thoughts. Embraced by the water, surrounded by it, I feel free.

Sheer pleasure.

After our swim (my mom took Raine after her swim while I did a few laps), I couldn't stop grinning. I haven't felt so high in ages. It was an ear-to-ear-smile-laugh-out-loud-even-when-alone kind of high. I knew my body was going to kill me the next day--all those unused muscles complaining--but I didn't care. And it felt so good.

I haven't felt that kind of good in a long time. Sure, The Hubby makes me feel loved, Raine makes me laugh, my work has given me a sense of accomplishment. But this kind of good comes from being able to enjoy something that isn't essential, but pleasurable nonetheless (aren't the most pleasurable things non-essentials?). And being able to share it with Raine, having her enjoy being in the water, made it even better.

I hope that, someday, Raine will find something that will give her this kind of high. I pray that she learn to relish life's little pleasurable moments. And I thank God for mine.

Shining Through

Rainey went to her first art exhibit yesterday. She was the youngest guest at the opening of Shining Through, by Dan Reventar.

Tito Dan is the dad of my good friend, Kelly. He recently retired from flying (he was a corporate pilot). He took up painting as a hobby because his wife, Tita Emy, was so into cross stitching that she wouldn't talk to him, so he decided to go do his own thing. After several paintings, he asked his friend, artist Lino Severino, to check out his work, to see if he should go on, or he was just wasting his time. So Lino took two of Tito Dan's paintings, and a few days later, came back and informed Tito Dan that he was booked for an exhibit at Ayala Museum.

Tito Dan's work is all landscapes. Serene, peaceful pictures of God's gorgeous creations. I think that's what drives his work: the desire to capture the beauty of God's own work. Tito Dan is also fantastic working light and shade into his paintings. In the title piece "Shining Through", it's as if you can actually feel the radiance of the light diffusing through the trees.

Shining Through will be at the 2F ArtistSpace of Ayala Museum until the 19th of November. If you want a taste of serenity, do drop by and enjoy his paintings.

Yardstones

The greatest thing about being totally hands-on with your baby--no yaya or nanny--is that you get to see all the milestones yourself. Even the yardstones (not quite a milestone, but still something to be proud of). Or milepebbles, if you prefer.

I know, for example, exactly how Raine discovered her feet. She was sitting (technically she was on her butt and I was holding her up) on the footstool in front of the mirror, one of her favorite activities in her younger days, and she happened to look down at her wiggling toes. In the mirror, I could see her expression of fascination and wonder, as in, "What are these things down here?" And I've seen every little bit of progress till she finally got her foot in her mouth. That's one of the ultimate baby goals, apparently. A yardstone in itself, but not one they put in baby books.

It's also great knowing that one of Raine's favorite songs is Stand By Me, not Boom-Tarat-Tarat or Ocho-ocho. And if I do give in to the temptations of TV, I know she isn't soaking in the local (or local-dubbed Asian) soaps. Not that I'm above watching such--I confess to knowing who Carlos Miguel and Rosario, Rosemarie and that third triplet that Claudine Baretto played are. But it isn't mindless viewing all day. I'm thankful we didn't get cable, and that even our local channel reception sucks--it makes The Hubby and I keep the boob tube turned off more often (which is a big deal for The Hubby; he even used to sleep with the TV on). But I digress.

I know what Raine's crying about, though sometimes I'm just too impatient to really listen to and decode what she's trying to tell me. I was around the first time she did that trembling-lower-lip face when I said "no" to her. I know why she suddenly took to feeding from the bottle after the great battles (she saw me pumping milk into the bottle, and she touched the bottle, looked at me--and we never had much of a problem after that). I've seen her progress from rolling one way only to rolling all over, from scooting to commando crawling, from looking like a rickety table on her hands and knees to cruising. The first time she sat up, the first time she reached out, the first time she learned to spit--I was there.

When other SAHMs told me about the joy you get from staying home with the baby and witnessing these yardstones, I was skeptical. How can you be in a state of thrill all the time? But while I haven't reached that mommy nirvana yet, I can wax poetic about things like Raine's poop.

Of course, there are times when I feel overwhelmed by our uber joint-at-the-hip-ness, (sometimes literally). I don't think it's healthy to be with the baby 24/7. For me at least. So I'm glad I get to go out once in a while. Last Monday, I went for a mini pamper session at Rustan's with my cousin Randee, and left Raine and The Hubby alone the entire afternoon for some Daddy time. Both survived the experience.

If Raine were keeping track of her own parents' progress, I suppose she'd celebrate the yardstones too. "OK, can figure out I've been stewing in my nappy in less then 20 minutes--50% improvement since last time!" Or "Hmm, finally learned that the view from the floor is great and is now rolling around with me." Or "Breastmilk is still best for babies! No yucky solid stuff!" But that last one--our battle at solids feeding, when she refuses to open her mouth and expertly spits out anything I manage to spoon in--is a tactical retreat on my part. We'll try solids again next week. Maybe I should change the spoon...

I suppose I should join Raine too, celebrating my yardstones. Motherhood, like anything else, isn't done overnight. It happens little by little. I am slowly letting go of my expectations of myself--that absurd picture in my head of the perfect mom that I have to be. I thank God that babies, Rainey in particular, are a resilient lot. They can take the little blunderings of their fumbling parents. And as Raine learns to deal with our world, I learn to deal with hers. One yardstone at a time.

End of an Era

This week and next, I'll be wrapping up the December issue of Masigasig, Globe's business magazine published by Summit. After that, it's full time wifey/mommyhood for me. And I'm scared.

Some women are born domestic goddesses; others like me have to try very hard. This doesn't mean that I don't know how to run a household or do the chores. It just means that--let me put it this way: I can write a 5,000 word essay on the wonders of all-natural household cleaners in less time than it will take me to apply said cleaners to the appropriate areas of the household.

It's not that I don't enjoy domesticity. I am rediscovering my love for cooking and baking. I used to find it therapeutic, cleaning the bathroom. And nothing can give me satisfaction the way a shiny, eat-off-it-clean expanse of floor can.

I guess what I'm scared of is whether I will enjoy the SAHM (stay at home mom) role for a long period of time, when it just isn't a break from the work that I do. When it will be, in fact, my work. The sheer repetitiveness of it all overwhelms me. Like I will have to bathe the baby everyday for the next five years at least. And I will have to plan menus and cook and all that till death do us part.

I know it sounds selfish. But I know myself. I have a very short attention span. I like trying out new things, and when I've satisfied my fix, I like moving on to the next. Then again, there's some hope. I've been together with The Hubby seven years, after all. So not everything is short term with me. I guess it's a matter of attitude and God's grace.

I guess I'm also scared that I will disappear; that I will just be The Hubby's wife, Rainey's mom. I've worked hard to see my name in print; people are beginning to know my work, my byline. But there are hundreds of new writers out there, lots of them good, some of them not, but all of them available. I'd be so easy to replace. Maybe in a year, no one will remember me. And if I don't use it, I might lose it--this skill for writing. Even the drive to publish. I might turn into the wifey with nothing to talk about other than Junior's scores and how I manage to haggle down the price of fish at the market.

The other week, I turned down what could've been a lucrative gig copy editing for a Hong Kong-based magazine. I'd work from my home, and they pay in dollars! My friend from the company said that they were impressed with my resume, and that it was regrettable that I declined. It was both hard and easy to do, turning down that gig. Easy, because based on the priorities--God, The Hubby, Rainey, work--it was way down the list. And besides, The Hubby and I have already discussed that I will take the supporting role at this point in our lives, because his career is really taking off, and one of us needs to be in charge of Raine and the home.

Yet it was hard to do, because it could've been a good gig, another impressive entry in my resume, an international client. It could have been a step to other international projects. The experience (not to mention the pay) would have been great, to say the least. And it was hard to turn down because my work has defined who I am for the longest time.

But things change. Priorities change. And I'm ready to make that change. So help me God.

Today

I love my daughter's feet (my daughter--still sounds so unreal, like saying "my Pulitzer" or "my New York Times bestseller"). I love the way they look: like a misaligned stack of thickly cut Spam (well, just two pieces, actually), with Alaminos longganisa toes. I love the way they feel, so soft yet substantial. I love the way her toes flex and curl. I love how I know she's awake without her making a sound, when I see her feet up in the air, barely visible over the top of her crib. I laugh at the peremptory way she parks a foot on my breast when she's feeding, as if laying claim. I love the small spots of warmth when her feet rest on my thighs. Or when her tiny toes knead my arm. Strangely, I love the way they smell on a hot day: slightly sour, slightly pungent--baby catchichas! But only under the toes of her right foot. I love the strength in them, as she kicks, kicks, kicks away; stomps in her tub; or grasps her toys between them. I know someday these feet are going to walk away from me: as she goes to her classroom on her first day of school; as she stomps away when we fight; as she moves on to live her own life. But today, I hold her beautiful baby feet in my hands, saying, "Can Mommy have these feet?" And with a laugh, my daughter gives them to me.

Raine's First Pro Photos

Check out Raine's pix done by her Tishi (Tita Shishi), professional photographer Sheila Juan. They are fabulous! Tishi and Tishpy came over to the house one afternoon, ate popcorn and played with Raine--and Tishi took these wonderful photos. Thanks, Tishi!

Check out her photos done by Mommy as well (not as fab, but taken with tons of love!).

The Hot Momma's Workout

While at the pediatrician's clinic last Saturday (Raine's growth is apparently self-regulating already--she gained only 0.4kg from last checkup, but her over all weight and length is 17lbs and 24in, so still good) I decided to weigh myself. My pre-pregnancy clothes were starting to fit, and I felt thinner than I did before I got preggy, so I figured I had maybe 10lbs more to lose. To my horror, I still weighed 138lbs! Where is all that weight hiding? Or am I looking at myself through make-yourself-thinner glasses? Could the milk in the boobs and the smooshy marshmallow belly really weigh that much? I was flabbergasted. Or maybe flab-coated.


I suppose I should take it as a challenge, losing that weight and getting back into bikini-clad beach goddess/hot momma shape. It's somewhat difficult, since being a work-at-home-mom with no nanny and no fulltime help, I don't really have time for the gym (not that I'd really go anyway; I'm a bum). But with some creativity, I've found ways to work some exercise into my days with Raine.


Walking. This is one of the best ways to burn some calories. I strap Raine into her stroller and we go around the village. Since I'm from Baguio (where we walk everywhere), and I love looking at other people's houses (must have been an architect in a previous life, or a member of the akyat bahay gang), this is one of my favorite activities. Plus it keeps cabin fever at bay. There are different groups walking babies in the afternoon as well, sort of yaya cliques (I think I'm the only non-yaya who takes the baby out) hanging out in the park, at the corner of Montreal and Monterey, and by the Jewish part of town. Some walk their dogs.


Raine and I have racked up some pretty good mileage on our walks. We go for at least 30 minutes, but usually take an hour or so. My sister Rix taught me an efficient way to burn more calories in less time. You'll need a stop watch for this, though. First, walk briskly for two minutes. Then walk at a normal pace for the next two minutes. Then brisk for another two, normal for another two. Just keep doing this for 20 minutes. I forgot to ask why it burns more, but since she's a Sports Science major and licensed fitness instructor, I'll take her word for it.


Superman. Got this from Rix as well. I do this while Raine's doing her tummy time. I get on my tummy too, arms stretched before me, legs behind me, chin down. Then I alternately lift opposite arms and legs. Three sets of 15 pairs should do it (I started from 10 pairs). This works the lower back--good thing for carrying the baby!


Lifts. You need a cooperative baby for this one. Again, make sure that you didn't just feed the baby! I hold Raine under the armpits and just lift her up, ala Lion King. Best done with sound effects like "up, up, up!" Raine likes this a lot. There are a lot of variations to this, depending on what your baby likes. I guess the important thing is you're working out your arms. Other lifting--like the water-filled bathtub, laundry pail, etc--works too, I suppose.


Seesaw. Another of Raine's favorite games. Sit with your knees drawn up, and place baby tummy (hers) to shin (yours). Lie down (hold on to the baby!) and draw your legs up, knees still bent so the baby is horizontal, lying on your shins. Now you can raise and lower your legs, saying "seesaw, up and down" or "airplane" or whatever you feel like saying. You can also swing your legs side to side. Or for the more daring, stretch your legs up. I feel the pain in my thighs after this, so I guess the glutes are worked out here.


Abs. Rix made me a simple abs routine to turn my jello belly into abs of steel. Well not really. But anything is better than this puffy, flabby gut. First, do 15 crunches. Then do 15 pairs of Scissor Legs--legs straight up in the air, alternately lower each one. Finally do 15 pairs of V Legs--legs up in the air, opened wide, reach for the opposite foot. Then rest, and do two more sets. I let Raine sit on my tummy while doing this. She gets a kick seeing me grunt and all that, I suppose. Plus it's teaching her to count!


Rix said that ideally, I should do this at least three times a week. Let's hope I can keep it up. Goodbye marshmallow belly! Goodbye 18lbs!